Monday, December 17, 2012

Match THIS!

In my previous blog (which wasn't that long there) I mentioned how I've decided I like dating more than relationships.  I've been trying to figure out why I need a relationship and can't really come up with a solid reason. it is.

I started Project Yes back in the summer.  Project Yes was/is quite simply me saying "Yes" to anyone who asks me out (as long as they don't give me the heebee geebees or look like they'll murder me) I'll say yes.  I get stopped all the time and I blow these men off all the time.  I quite possibly could have been blowing off a really good date.  So I'm off on the Yes Train...choo choo...woop woop!!

THEN, my soror strongly suggested I get on where she met her fiance.  I'm thinking ok - the electronic version of Project Yes.  How bad could it be - a little bad grammar here and there.  I did have some self talk about not judging people who think your and you're are interchangeable.

I need to take a commercial break to say - THEY'RE NOT!  YOUR is a possessive - like it belongs to you.   YOU'RE is the the contraction YOU ARE.  Typos are one thing.  Grammar incompetence is a completely different thing and I rebuke it as the child of an educator and in the mighty name of my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Barge. LEARN THE KING'S ENGLISH, PEOPLE!  Shamalabosa!!!

Antywho...during Sandra J. Frankenstorm while I was home-bound, I created a Match profile. While I was concerned that my first set of daily matches contained this dude that owned (or at least photographed in) far too many berets that any non Frenchman should, it wasn't so bad.  Some brothas actually looked interesting.  The winks and emails started coming with a quickness and I'm thinking this will really be fun.  Until....this e-mail happens.

Subj: For Your Information (FYI)
"My fantasy with you is making you pregnant with my child.  Todd"

That was the EXACT email.  I read this at about 11p and I had the most stupefied look on my face because really, what are you supposed to think?  Has a precedent been set for such an e-mail?  Is that in the manual?  I read it and re-read it about 5 times before I was very clear that I was reading correctly - I even put on readers just to be sure.   We're not going to even get into the fact that he doesn't think I know what FYI means...but I digress.  I'm as fascinated as I am appalled. Of course I responded because, above all else, I am here to entertain you.

Me:  That was the craziest thing I've ever read in my existence on the earth. 

And subsequent emails went like this....

Subj: For Your Information (FYI)
The Astrological Compatibility was there--in both Zodiacs.

Me: No.  I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

Subj:  No
The timing is off. If I could do it all over again: I would not have married that Aquarius.

Me:  I'm certain she feels the same way.

Subj: Please
You don't understand Aquarius.
However, I understand you with out knowing you. I am a Virgo - Ox and you are a Capricorn - Rabbit. If I would have met a Capricorn - Rabbit in the 80's, we would not be having this communication.
Older and wiser. Where is that time machine?

Me: What I do understand is while I can easily erase this email from my inbox, I cannot erase it from my mental Rolodex.  Please continue your pursuit of a Capricorn as long as it's not me.

So yeah, that happened. To Me. KT. If that's not a Classic KT moment, I really don't know what is. I'm not going to lie.  I'm kind of tempted to sign up for Christian Singles, Black People Meet and whatever other wackadoo site I can find - just to be entertained.  I'm headed down a slippery slope now of not even wanting to date....JUST ENTERTAIN ME, DAMMIT!  Bet you can't match THAT!

Friday, December 7, 2012

I Do Dumb Stuff

I do dumb stuff.  I do dumb stuff all the time.  The reason I even started this blog was to recount the dumb stuff I do.  So yeah, I called the blog Classic KT because the dumb stuff I do has been aptly named Classic KT moments. But really, it's just dumb stuff I do.  So TODAY in the life of me and my dumb stuff, I outdid myself.

I semi joined a church not long after I moved to DC but then stopped feeling that church so I started church hopping.  I rather like being non-committal in my church home (as much as I like being non-committal with most things with the exception of my undying commitment to loving my Lord.  In fact, I've recently learned that I like dating way better than relationships..though that's another blog).  So this church I've been frequenting has a great choir.  The choir president stopped me one Sunday and said he watches me participate and I look like I know the songs and have experience singing in a choir.  I told him that yes I have been accustomed to singing in the choir BUT I'm not a member so I didn't think I could participate.  He said, that was correct but he was going to check to see if there could be an exception made.  He got back to me later in the week and told me approvals have been given and he'd love to see me at the next rehearsal.  

I showed up and the people were warm and friendly and my section leader was this lovely woman who took my number and said she'd keep me updated.  Which leads to me and the dumb stuff I do.  I'm not good with all.  I do all the tricks to remember people's names, but I'm just not good at it.  My WONDERFUL section leader lady has called me NUMEROUS times and said her name to me but today I needed to call her and ask about rehearsal and I remembered I didn't know her name.  I have her number in my phone but there is no name attached.  I remembered that it begins with an R but I can't for the life of me remember the rest.  Sooooo I picked up the phone and the conversation went like this:

Her:  Hello.
Me:  Hi Rrrr this is Karen Townsend, how are you doing?

I figured if I made the R sound she would think I'd said her name and we could move on.  IT WORKED!!!!!!  When she didn't miss a beat and just said "Oh I'm doing fine" and I continued to ask my question, I thought I was going to pee on myself I was laughing so hard. I could barely get through the rest of the conversation because THAT was sooo funny to me. 

So...let this be a lesson to you.  Don't let not remembering a name get you down. Go forth in confidence and all will be well.  

Signed Kkkk

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Girl Is Graduating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anybody who knows me knows that had I been alive during the early 20th century, I would have TOTALLY aspired to be the Town Crier.  I would love to run the streets in a spiffy outfit sharing the news with the citizenry.  I would have been sooooo good at that job.  I would have been known throughout the land as the best Town Crier EVER.  In fact, when big news happened, on my day off, they would have waited to share it until I got back to work because they would have wanted me on the job.  OR, I would have gotten paid overtime to come in and share the news.  Which begs the question - would I have had a salary, been paid hourly or would I have been paid per news event that I cried?   And had I been paid per event would I have had to have another job, too?  during that time, most/all women were married so I would imagine that my husband would have supported us and I would have done the crier gig on the side of being the CEO of the household. Hell, laundry alone is a full time job!  I probably would have been married to a guy that would be turned on by my crier duties and would have wanted me to wear my crier clothes at home while we were role playing.  I went too far didn't I?  Sorry about that...

At any rate, as the present day town crier...

I'm sooo excited, I literally do want to run the streets screaming it but I won't so that I don't get arrested.  But thinking of doing that made me think of other things I should probably not do at her graduation festivities this weekend.  There are three scheduled events - the hooding ceremony on Saturday, Baccalaureate on Sunday and the Graduation on Monday.  I have visions of certain things I MAY do; but I'm committed to containing myself and NOT doing them.  They include:

1) Shouting/Speaking in Tongues:  I have a vision of me jumping up and down shouting GLORRRAAAYYYY to get started and then it's on from there.  HALLELUJAH...309UDPOIJD 3*&)*&...literally in a full back bend, head thrown back screaming at the top of my lungs...waiting for an usher to come by to fan me and throw a hankie over me as I'm spread eagle on the floor.

2) On the floor in the fetal position:  almost the opposite of the shouting experience would be me on the floor in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and crying uncontrollable tears of joy making a ridiculous amount of noise....not worrying at all that my spanx are showing .  Intermittent embarrassing stories of her childhood would come between the bouts of tears and thumb sucking.

3) Pee on Myself:  Although I've never done it, when I get REALLY excited, I get nervous that I may pee my pants.  Depends IS an option, but does that mean I'll have to get bigger spanx to accommodate them? And will there be a visible panty ( or Depends) line?

4) Running:  that's another thing I do when I get excited, I just want to run in a full sprint so fast that I need someone to tackle me to stop me.

5) Twirling/Spinning/Skipping:  when I get happy I want to spin and twirl until I'm dizzy and I need to sit down. Then I want to skip.  Now, I've been rehabbing this knee so my skipping is pretty good these days.  My skipping has probably made it to the 70th percentile of skippers worldwide!

One of my aunts gave me an amazing compliment this weekend.  She said "You so know how to live in the moment!"  I loved that because I don't "try" to do it, I just do.  It's the way I live.  So this weekend, as I'm living in the moment of the revelry of The Girl's graduation weekend, I will not do anything to embarrass her.  I will, however, be fully present in the most celebratory fashion I know how.  I will have a permanent grin on my face of sheer unadulterated joy and pride.  I will likely cry...a lot (no noise) - and I will have the cutest hankies that belonged to my grandmother - which will probably make me cry more (MY GRANDMA'S HANKIE...LAWD).  I will hug her a lot.  I will hug my Mama a lot.  I will likely even hug my ex-husband (possibly - still TBD - since I live in the moment it will probably happen before I realize it).  I will Hercules clap when her name is called - to the point I'll likely bruise my palms.

Yep this is a weekend for which Town Criers live.  And this wanna be Town Crier will be at her best.

THE GIRL IS GRADUATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!